so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
