he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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