dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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