If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
