Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
