I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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