Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
