I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
