I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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