i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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