She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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