yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
