I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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