On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
