I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
