If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
