im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
