Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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