they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
