Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
