The maid of honor just puked.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
