Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
