she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
