if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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