Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
