it was like his penis was on wheels.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
