I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want to make a zoo with you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
