Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
