I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
