I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
