apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
