you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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