Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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