Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
