More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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