Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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