i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
