I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
