I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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