first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
