Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
