also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is wine microwaveable?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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