The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
