words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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