that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
