I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
