If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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