i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
