He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
