i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
