A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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